Darker

You thought I was really quiet but really I was just lost in the forest of thoughts that took over my mind. It was not supposed to be this way. I was so sure my life’s fairytale was leading me towards Happily Ever After but I was quickly learning that my life was not that type of book. I was somehow just out of your sightline and I felt less than invisible. I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry to someone who could return my optimism but instead I had to put on a plastic smile and waterproof mascara. I don’t even know if anyone noticed that the smile was falling off like a fake mustache. Internally, I had crawled into a hole and soon forgot how to get back out. I watched through held back tears as you laughed and smiled with the others. I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to let anything make me upset and yet there I was, entirely distraught. I compiled the facts and my thoughts in my brain’s calculator and it computed that I should do nothing. Nothing other than look a bit happier and be a bit friendlier. I worked on being more lively and less of a paper doll and eventually I wasn’t pretending to be happy one hundred percent of the time. I was able to really feel the foreign emotion for much of the day. This happiness made me stand a little taller and suddenly you saw me.

In the back of your mind you realized I had been there the whole time and even wondered how I had blended in with the wallpaper. You tried to get my attention and for a millisecond I tried to pretend that I didn’t notice, but I couldn’t do it. I looked in your eyes and you looked down at my soul. You saw the picket fences I had tried to put up around it and the band-aids holding it together. You knew at that moment that I needed you and was doing everything I could to act as if I didn’t. You approached me and my heart with caution, afraid to break anything other than the fences, and I held my breath. I wasn’t sure if you realized just how fragile I was. But you knew. You knew me. I didn’t need Happily Ever After, that was the end of the book, I just needed to be there with you in the moment.

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