I spent my summers looking through picture windows
in airplanes, ships, and too-cold apartments
watching for changes in my perception.
Some sign of time.
Instead I found myself hazy and misguided.
So honestly uncertain.
These were dream-fogged days.
I feel obliged to tell you
I don’t give a fuck –
your cartoon lifestyle
and sense of direction
have at my patient way
making me tumultuous
and dangerous
a toxic concoction, you are
spinning in semi-circles
and getting somewhere inconclusive.
You paused in the driver’s seat of
that old mercedes,
searching for something to say
to stop me from looking at my front door
grabbing the cold metal door handle
and saying something generic.
You were certain
that with a few more seconds
you would assure me
that this night was more than a range of emotions.
You looked at me, with all of this in your eyes,
and it was enough.
This is not a mystery novel,
you are not a detective.
All you have to your name
is a set of particular worries, too worn,
and an insignificant amount of time.
Try and try as you may
you will always be a body.
Lana was a self-proclaimed atheist
but always got religious in the chevy.
We’d fly down the main drag of the city,
windows open
pedal down,
and scrambled prayers would slip
out of her lips
like some sort of disorder.
We’d give her a hard time
and tell her to cool it with the god shit.
Lana never said why it’d happen,
said she wasn’t afraid of no cars.
Making up reasons and elaborate stories
became a daily sport behind her back.
Once in park she’d spout a few more
then apologize for her damn mouth,
promising it wouldn’t happen again.
But we all knew,
Lana’d never quit.
I’ve been all nostalgic about every goddamn moment
but you’ve probably forgotten
it all
all in all
we are all there is.
All afraid of fucking up
as if there’s a right way to do anything.
I can’t do anything
except lie through my teeth.
Lying like a ritual
the routine, the routine
get me out of this ridiculous machine.
Greased with liquor, you fall
and you could get up
but you don’t
instead you fall out and in
like the tide.
I’m drifting towards
you my coast.
I coast
down the steepest hill
without breaks
or stakes
trying to break out of life’s grasp.
My dear,
we are golden sun babies
who dream of endless days that fade into years.
Look at your happy self
in my reflecting lenses.
I want to gift you my hope
and let you swallow it down,
it is refreshing in all weathers
and hours of the day.
Take it all, I have enough to last.
You’ve created a great share, after all.
But we are lovers, aren’t we?
All of us creatures made for longing.
Fussing about in a world trying to convince us otherwise.
We fill our lives with things, but mostly people,
people who care about our nightmares
and wish for us when we’re not there.
And we all just hope, openly or secretly,
that one of these people will wish for us enough
and ask us to always stay nearby,
to go as lovers go. Together.
Standing close to you
and watching the rain fall down the window
I realize I will relish this moment for too long.
You’ll forget
the way you wanted me with every piece.
How every kiss was all that mattered.
And how I was so nervous
when we first met.
But I will always remember.
It will seem even more perfect in time
and I’ll want nothing more than to go back.
Just to feel your arms around me
and hold onto your desire.
